If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
