I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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