She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
