Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
