Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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