He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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