Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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