HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
