So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
