i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
