so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
