i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
