Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
