So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
