is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
