Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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