dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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