You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
