you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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