Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
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