The maid of honor just puked.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i've created a new STD.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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