eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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