but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
