College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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