Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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