At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
