Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
