non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
