When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize