She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
