I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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