So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize