I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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