just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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