even my farts smell like vagina
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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