tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
