Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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