I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize