tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
