You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Let's paint friendship bongs
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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