It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
