if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
two words...techno handjob
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
