I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
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