when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
