Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
