does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
