question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
