hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
