1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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