I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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