My first STD was from a foam party
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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