Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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