Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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