Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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