I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We don't watch enough power rangers
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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