i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
