Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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