I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
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