You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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