mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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