I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
