It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
