I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
