some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
