I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
