So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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