I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
