Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
