I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Please don't give away my fajitas
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
