we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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