I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
