He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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