I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
