i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
