i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
